Forget All You Ever Learned

I've heard some news that will be startling for some of us.

-You've heard it over and over - Bush went into Iraq alone. It's true. Britain, Italy, Spain, and most of Eastern Europe were destroyed by asteroids roughly twenty years ago. The media have been fed phony information about those countries for decades, and as a result, only a few people (all of them working for the Kerry campaign) know the shocking truth. Fortunately, TV ads are working to educate people about the nonexistence of these countries by making it clear that Bush attacked Iraq unilaterally, playing on the ignorance of most of the population to create phony allies. Tony Blair is actually an actor from Australia, and a damned fine one, but he's no PM.

-September 11th was a gigantic hoax. Never happened. Bush made it all up, staged the footage, and killed several thousand people (mostly homeless, children, and the elderly; you know, the people Republicans like to torture and kill anyway) just to have an excuse to launch his phony war (see previous point). Those who believe that we were attacked are baffled when Democrats point out that there was never a war under Clinton, but the Democrats have a point. Since 9/11 never really happened, we should simply conduct ourselves as we did during the Clinton administration. What actually happened on 9/11 is not proof that Clinton was derelict in protecting the country but merely proof in how gullible the American people are to believe such an obvious hoax. I mean, most people actually think JFK was shot by a random nut instead of believing the truth, that a chain-smoking alien from Mars working with the CIA and Fidel Castro replaced JFK with a clone four months before his "assassination" and had to stage his murder because the clone was almost discovered by the FBI. Don't let "evidence" and "simplicity" fool you - that's just what they want you to think.

-John Kerry was brainwashed by the NVA during his tour in Vietnam. This explains his references to nonexistent American atrocities. Fortunately, Senator Kerry recently recovered and is now quite proud of his service. This is decidedly not a case of Kerry flip-flopping because he has no morals and no platform. Pay no attention to that Massachusetts liberal behind the curtain.

-The Catholic Church reversed a centuries-old policy of requiring members to be Catholic, thus allowing John Kerry to support abortion and remain a member of the Church. Some Catholics were confused as to why the senator was not excommunicated after taking a position differing at all from the Pope's, but recent changes to the Church explain this readily. The press release was simply in Latin and most people could not understand it, including many high school Latin students who complained that "there ain't no macrons on them letters! How'm I s'posed to figger the cases out?"