New Fischer Random Rules!

Bobby F. is in the news again, trying to make a comeback playing his pet chess variation, Shuffle Chess. Some are under the mistaken impression that the correct name for this variant is Fischer Random, but, in fact, Fischer Random's rules are quite...different. Let me outline them below.

Activate your funny bone.

Before each player's turn, that player must roll a six-sided die. The number that comes up on the die will determine certain conditions that must be met in the subsequent move(s). Additionally, the players will play with a deck of specially-made cards. The die rolls:

1 - Your opponent is George W. Bush and you are a pawn in his diabolical game. If he draws "Japanese prison" within three moves, you lose the game (unless you counter with "Surprise Icelandic asylum")

2 - You make a disparaging comment about female players. Remove your opponent's queen from the board, then make your move. If your opponent shows you the card "Judit Polgar" before his turn, he may replace his queen on the board; otherwise it stays captured.

3 - International Zionist neocon Judeofascist conspiracy strikes! All players must donate five dollars to FIDE. White loses his next turn.

4 - You and your opponent must play the Poisoned Pawn variation of the Sicilian Najdorf. Add six hours to each player's clock. Balance the playing surface on a knife's edge.

5 - Your opponent's rooks have been attacked! Express inappropriate glee. Remove both your opponent's rooks from the board; then he searches his deck for a card named "Moral High-ground" and puts it in his hand.

6 - Your entire game has been fixed by the CommieJewKasparovKarpovBotvinnikSpassky traitors. To ensure fairness, randomly change the position of each piece on the board, then continue the game as normal.

Booster packs of Fischer Random cards will be available in your nearest FIDE outlet for $3, or if you wish to use fake money, 2 Euros.