United States Prepares for War

In a shocking development, the rogue nation of the United States of America has openly and brazenly promised to give aid to the Palestinians, money that will probably be diverted in part to aid terrorism.

In light with Bush administration policy regarding those who aid terrorists, experts fully expect the United States Congress to begin drafting legislation to declare war on itself, though the precise terms of such a bill are being checked for constitutionality. "It's very difficult, you know, to follow proper procedure when enacting legislation that declares the very institution that enacted the legislation to be void," one befuddled analyst was heard to say. "We've heard 'You're either for us or against us' so given this new development, we think logic may just collapse into a singularity or something."

Indeed, the Supreme Court of the United States is currently hearing a case to decide whether the law of the excluded middle jibes with current international laws and customs.

Justice Scalia commented to a reporter, "The tendency of European countries to cry out about human rights violations and to call for multilateral cooperation while abusing international organizations to the detriment of human rights has made us aware of a shift of global opinion. Logical consistency and moral uprightness are obviously no longer sanctioned in the world at large, and the United States must revise its backward institutions to save face." Besides mulling overturning the law of the excluded middle, the Court recently voted 5-4 that modus ponens is a violation of Equal Protection.

Reports that cats and dogs were lying together could not be confirmed at this time.