Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Best Buy Owns Barely Literate Idiot

Snopes took a break from conflicts of interest to try to own some stupid e-mail about Best Buy. Sadly, Snopes was not up to the task. I got your back, Snopes.

I apologize for linking to Snopes, and if you would rather not click that and get 300 aggressive, pop-up-blocker-dodging, malware-infested ads, well, all the text you need will be quoted here.
An erotic foot-fetish tale?
Best Buy has some bad policies....
They do open their doors to the public, which, as the rest of this stupid thing will show, was their first mistake.
Normally, I would not share this with others, However, since this could happen to you or your friends , I decided to share it.
Normally, I would use a period to end a sentence, However sometimes, I find it best not to, That's just how I am, You will probably agree that a comma serves just as well. as a period.
If you purchase something from, Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, JC Penny, Sears etc
I really like how the anticipation is built by separating a preposition from its objects. And by making the sentence a barely comprehensible fragment. If you get what I mean.
If you return the item with the receipt.
Why does each conjunct in the antecedent to this conditional get its own sentence? I don't know; maybe this guy is not an expert on linguistics?
They will give you your money back if you paid cash, or credit your account if paid by plastic.
Let me get this straight. If you purchase something from Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, JC Penny (sic), Sears, etc. (presumably meaning "or others" and not "and so on," because otherwise you'd have to purchase some one thing from every store to satisfy this), and if you return the item with the receipt, and if you paid cash, then they will give you your money back; if the first two are met and you paid by plastic (hello, only person in the world who, in 2008, calls it "plastic"), then they will credit your account. Besides not actually matching the facts, this conditional is way too complicated for the author to understand.
Well, I purchased a GPS for my car, a Tom Tom XL.S from "Best Buy".
Oh no, he's driving?
They have a policy that it must be returned within 14 days for a refund!
I can see how this description of their return policy merits an exclamation point!
So after 4 days I returned it in the original box with all the items in the box, with paper work and cords all wrapped in the e plastic.
eplasticâ„¢ is plastic infused with nanotechnology. This was an expensive GPS, when even the packaging contained futuristic wrapping material.
Just as I received it, including the receipt.
Unopened? Did you return it unopened? Are you lying to me, dude?
I explained to the lady at the return desk I did like the way it could not find store names.
In fact, I liked the fact it could not find store names a little too much, which is why I was returning it. Not finding store names was getting to be an obsession with me.
The lady at the refund desk said, there is a 15% restock fee, for items returned.
The commas really break this up into something that sounds a lot more epic than it is. "There is a 15% restock fee," whispered Gandalf, "for items returned." Aragorn looked to the east at the gathering clouds of returned items.
I said no one told me that.
I said, "I don't read the terms of contracts I enter. I sure hope no one finds out about my crippling ignorance and gets me to sign a really nasty contract, because, here I am, broadcasting that I am a total fool who agrees to things without having any clue as to their terms." Loan sharks - find this man.
I said how much would that be.
...15%. DERF.
She said it goes by the price of the item.
Here we have a person who is apparently driving an automobile who does not know what a percentage is. The Best Buy clerk has to fill in where the remedial math teacher failed. Damn you, public schools!
It will be $45.00 Dollars for you.
I wonder if it was actually $45 or if the clerk was starting to catch on to this guy's utter stupidity and was just going to hose him and keep the difference. Yeah, I've worked in retail, what of it?
I said, all your going to do is walk over and place it back on the self!
Imagine if the clerk could actually hear his misspelling. "All my what?"
Then charge me $45.00 of my money for restocking!!
$45 of your money? The money that you handed to us when you bought the awesomely store-name-ignorant GPS? Wait, are you saying you stole the GPS? CALL THE COPS.
She said that's the store policy.
He's seriously still recounting this conversation.
I said if more people were aware of it they would not buy anything here!
I think that might only affect people who are so fickle that they return items they just bought for no reason - people who aren't aware of how addicted they will become to not knowing store names, for instance.
If I bought a $2000.00 computer or TV and returned it I would be charged $300.00 dollars restock fee!!
Who did this math for him? Who?
She said yes, 15%.
"The numbers checked out."
I said OK, just give me my money minus the restock fee.
Times my money by the restock fee and then take away 15 apples for every 100 apples of my money and give me my apples! DAMMMMMMMIT!
She said, since the item is over 200.00 dollars, she cant give me my money back!!!
It's spelled "Kant." Immanuel Kant can't give you your 100 thalers because it's an imaginary 100 thalers.
Corporate has to and they will mail you a check in 7 to ten days.!!
The emotion expressed here is subdued by the single period, but inflamed by the double exclamation point. 7 to ten whole days.!!?"
I said "WHAT?!"
Do you see what is first done here? This is the first actual quote. "WHAT?!" is the only thing we can be sure was actually uttered.
It's my money!!
What exactly did you give in consideration for the GPS, if the money they have is yours and not theirs? I'll ask again - did you steal it? Are we reading a confession?
I paid in cash !
No indeed you did not pay in anything; you never transferred any money to them. That's what you just said, at any rate.
I want to buy a different brand..
The finality of the double-period is not diminished for its being applied to such a mundane sentence. It's Hemingwayesque, really.
Now I have to wait 7 to 10 days.
"By this point in the conversation, I was pissed. I had no time to wait to spell out 'ten,' so I brazenly used the numerals '1' and '0' like a madman."
She said well, our policy is on the back of your receipt.
I said, do you read the front or back of your receipt? She said well, the front!
Then she replied, "No, but I also don't spend hundreds of dollars on products I don't know a damned thing about, and I don't expect stores to rent me merchandise free of charge. Oh, and since I'm not returning any items, it's probably irrelevant whether I read the non-existent contract that I didn't have with anything involved in this conversation." I was furious at this ironclad logic.
She said well, the front!
That's what she said! Ooo!
I said so do I, I want to talk to the Manager!.
At first I was excited, but then, well, my emotion sort of petered out, as you can see from the exclamation point/period combo.
So the manager comes over, I explained everything to him, and he said, well, sir they should ld of told you about the policy when you got the item.
"Read the f'ing receipt." You should ld of read the receipt.
I said, No one, has ever told me about the check refund or restock fee, when ever I bought items from computers to TVs from Best Buy.
The employees probably figured you were a human being capable of entering into contracts. Their mistake, I guess.
The only thing they ever discussed was the worthless extended warranty program.
Were they supposed to quote Article 2 of the UCC every time you bought something, or what? Whose responsibility is it to make sure you got what you want, buddy?
He said Well, I can give you corporate phone number.
He totally did not blow me off, muttering "Why the fuck did I drop out of college to manage this shithole?" under his breath.
I called corporate.
I assume this means that he filed a certificate of incorporation for his phone call, issuing two classes of stock in an IPO of "My fone cal, ink." It's trading aggressively.
The guy said, well, I'm not supposed to do this but I can give you a 45.00 dollar gift card and you can use it at Best Buy.
The gift card, of course, couldn't find store names either, so I returned it. Lulz.
I told him if I bought something and returned it, you would charge me a restock fee on the item and then send me a check for the remaining 3 dollars.
Clearly, instead of making me more aware of the finality of purchases, this episode has simply informed me that every time I return an item (which will happen constantly, I can never decide what I want even after I buy it) I will lose money. Well, no more! Now, all the money I'll lose is the time and gasoline involved in returning to a store I just visited to return something I have no idea if I ever wanted anyway! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY I WIN, BEST BUY! SUCK IT!

And no, I have no idea what math he's using to get 3 dollars.
You can keep your gift card, I'm never shopping in Best Buy ever again, and If I would of been smart, I would of charged the whole thing on my credit card!
What's so awesome about "If"?
Then I would of canceled the transaction.
Credit card fraud is the brilliant idea. Don't worry. He'll do it someday and go to jail for it.
I would of gotten all my money back including your stupid Fees!
I would of goed to jale two!
He didn't say a word!
"I hope this guy actually does that. Man, imagine what they'd do to him in prison."
I informed him that I was going to e-mail my friends and give them a heads up on this stores policy, as they don't tell you about all there little caveats
Funny you should put it that way. Caveats indeed. What's that saying, anyway? Caveat...hm, nope, can't recall.
So please pass this on.
I'm passing it along like a kidney stone, duder.
It may save your friends from having a bad experience of shopping at Best Buy.
Don't do what Donny don't does.


At 6:31 PM, May 28, 2008 , Blogger Nick Milne said...

Best Buy might actually and literally own him, now, so shaky is his concept of commerce and how it works. Maybe that's how he got the GPS in the first place? For all he knows that might have been a part of the contract into which he entered unthinkingly.

At 11:56 AM, May 31, 2008 , Blogger Lisa-Marie said...

My mother sent me that email and because she never checks anything out before passing it along I googled the first sentence of that email and found your blog.
I laughed until I cried. Thanks!! I'm now going to send my mom the link to your blog. I'll think she'll appreciate your post as she too has a dislike for bad grammar.

At 5:48 PM, June 17, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

what is hilarious is that my case is exactly the thing that happened to lisa marie...


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