Thursday, September 27, 2007

Welcome from the Front Lines

Welcome, fellow draftees!

That's right, I've been drafted into the military. We all knew the day would come. In 2004, John Kerry and his cronies warned us that Bush would be bringing back the draft. Shockingly, in a tasteless move that turned us sour on Bush overnight, he brought back the draft unilaterally the day after the 2004 election results were in. Since that time, 100 million men, women, and even children (the same children Republicans refused to give health care to, and who are dying in droves while Republicans laugh and bathe in their vast Scrooge McDuck-like moneypiles). Rather than ask Congress, Bush (surprise!) simply waved his magic president wand, and the draft came back. This is the same magic president wand that got our troops into Iraq in the first place, which was definitely not done by a congressional act that Hilary Clinton voted for. No. That's naive, and here at the Daily, New Skeptic, we will have none of that. Open your eyes, people!

Anyway, as I sit here in Tehran, fighting the insurgents who have every right to kill our soldiers in Iran, I wonder how it got to this point. Bush, rushing to war with Iran (definitely not proposing a wait-and-see approach, asking the United Nations to impose sanctions on Iran for going to war with us in Iraq), needed something to distract from his new Holocaust, whereby he, being Hitler, shipped off 6 million Jews to Guantanamo Bay. Fidel Castro, needless to say, was somewhat put off at having to make kosher meals for 6 million. In any event, after the Israel lobby in the United States advised Bushitler to do that (I'm having a hard time keeping my facts straight, they're just so factual!), we just had to attack Iran. After all, what if they beat us to destroying Israel? Between them and the BBC, it's a footrace to that goal! So, I'm stuck here, with no body armor, for oil. Or because Israel told us to do it. Or...because we hate Islam. I'm not terribly sure. The uninsured 6-year-old who's in command here can't read his orders and relay them to us, because (natch!) of No Child Left Behind.

So that's what it's like from the real world, where everything people say about Bush really is true. Really. Join us next time when we expose modus ponens as a conservative shill taking money from the oil companies to disprove global warming.



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